How to Play Softball #2

It has been brought to my attention that many of our players are seriously lacking some of the basic skills needed to excel at softball. I don't care if you can't catch, run, throw or hit, but if you wanna be on this team you had darned well better be able to eat sunflower seeds the right way.

Last week, Linda watched in amazement as Sonya filled her mouth with a handful of seeds and proceeded to crack them open, eat them and spit them out without the use of her hands!!!

"Have you seen how Sonya eats sunflower seeds?!" she asked me as if she had just seen the world's greatest magic trick.

Eating sunflower seeds by the handful is second only to "pounding beer" as an essential softball skill. It's embarrassing to have our team out there eating seeds, one-by-one, with bits of wet shells all over our hands from prying out kernels.

David, the maker of the world's finest sunflower seeds, offers seed eating instructions on their website, but I'm just going to plagiarize them here.

STEP 1: Pop a handful of seeds in your mouth. Like a big handful. I try to pack at least two innings worth in there.

STEP 2: Store seeds in one cheek. Just cram it full of seeds. If the salt feels like it's burning a hole through your cheek, you know you're doing it right.

STEP 3: Now transfer one seed to the other side. Our tongues are great little muscles. Just slide one seed out of your storage cheek and position in between your top and bottom teeth on the opposite side of our mouth. Set the seed seam side up so that when you bite the two halves of shell can easily split.

STEP 4: Crack the shell with your teeth. It doesn't take a lot of pressure to break the shell. They're sunflower seeds fer cryin' out loud!

STEP 5: Remove the kernel with your tongue. Or you can scrape it out along a tooth. The important thing is that you resist the urge to bring your hands into the mix. Once the kernel is liberated, push the shells to the front of your mouth and spit them out. A quick, forceful puff is the way to go to ensure that the shells will clear your chin and land safely on the dugout floor where they immediately become someone else's problem.

STEP 6: Enjoy the fruits of your labor and eat the kernel. Then repeat.

Sonya graciously purchased a big box of seeds for us, so I expect us all to be bitin', chewin, and spittin, as we demolish the Builders tonight.

Oh, and if my new gig on the River Cats' grounds crew has taught me anything, it's that seeds now come in dill pickle flavor. If I can locate some between now and game time, be prepared for a dill-licious time.